Why I CAN be friends with my clients

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about the client/therapist dynamic and relationship and I wanted to share a few thoughts from my perspective. I believe we are shifting from an old paradigm into a brave new world that allows for a broader and more empowering relationship.

I can feel the weight of the limits and tight container that has been in place around this relationship for decades. My father was a psychologist and often talked about the ‘risks’ of outside relationships with clients. Over the years I have had clients say to me, almost wistfully, (and I paraphrase) ‘I would love to hang out with you, but you probably can’t do that…’

My perspective comes from a broad view, in which the ‘therapist’ may be a coach, a healer, a shamanic practitioner, an intuitive body worker etc.  As an Intuitive Energy Healer and Embodied Spiritual Coach, I find myself in this relationship dynamic regularly. For purposes of this writing, I’ll use the word healer to be all encompassing.

To me the client/healer relationship is sacred. AND in my work, I teach people how to make empowered decisions for themselves, including if they would like to be in a friend relationship with someone, including the healer they are working with.

The old paradigm is based on and held in place mostly by fear. Fear that the therapist would not have capacity to hold two relationship dynamics simultaneously. Fear that the client would see them as human (gasp!) and suddenly not respect them or their work as much. Fear that the client might not like something the therapist did outside the therapy room and that it would impact the efficacy of the healing work.

I can feel this fear in my body even as I type these words.

And I feel this is very disempowering for both the client and the therapist.

In all of my client sessions I work to project agency on the client; meaning, I trust and presume they are capable of handling a situation unless they show or tell me otherwise. I play to their strengths and empower them to make decisions based on these strengths, while also lovingly working with any challenges they may experience along the way. This is one aspect of the deep healing and integration that I bring to client sessions.

Much of my work revolves around helping people get to know themselves so well that they can trust themselves at multiple levels – body, mind, emotional wellbeing, and spiritual connection. (As a side note, I often tell people that my definition of a healer is someone who helps people see the truth of who they are…) With this as the foundation it sets up an opportunity for discernment in all areas of decision making.

This includes making decisions about who they would like to have a friendship with. As with any traditional therapy, I absolutely honor and maintain confidentiality and leave it in the client’s hands as to whom they wish to tell we are working together. If they open that door to let people know, then I honor their decision and am open to being known as a healer they are working with.

All of this happens within the realm of me maintaining confidentiality about what is discussed in session.

The old way of thinking, with more rigidity around the rules and structure of the relationship, is also based on a degree of CYA. This comes from a paradigm of power over vs. power with; in other words, the therapist knows best and has the answers vs. a co-creation of a healing journey/experience together.

A foundational aspect of my approach to working with clients is that we are co-creating the healing experience together; that the client and healer are both unlimited in their potential and abilities to heal. This approach equalizes the power dynamic playing field and ensures that the healing journey is being built together, building on the strengths of the client, along with the qualified and experienced guidance of the healer holding space how things unfold.

This broader field of healing and wellness is very empowering. It takes away the dynamic of ‘professional who has the answers to impart’ and moves it to one of supporting the client with tools and techniques to understand the energetics of their whole being so that they are better able to make decisions that are aligned with their own best interest. By breaking down the perception of better than or above someone else in a healing relationship dynamic, we can help clients feel more empowered to know and trust their own truth.

This new paradigm is more expansive, projects agency on both parties, and requires and presumes that people can be trusted to know what’s best for themselves and act accordingly, with the requisite grounded and centered support from the person in the role of healer.

With this focus on self-empowerment and boundaried wellbeing, each person can be trusted to make decisions based on being in their own power and energetic sovereignty, and they can make aligned decisions accordingly.

This model also projects agency on the healer, holding the vision that they are capable of compartmentalizing different situations in which they hold different roles and responsibilities and that they can act accordingly. Knowing that the healer can hold a high ground and bring that to light in multiple ways and situations further empowers both the healer and the client.

This is how I aim to operate in the world – both for myself and my clients. I believe this is the shift we are making, and I am excited to be a part of it and help usher in this more open approach to integrated healing.

Note: I want to offer tremendous gratitude to my colleague Cindy Carlton with whom I shared many conversations and thoughts around this topic and who served as a fantastic sounding board for me as I was putting this post together. Cindy offered many reflections that helped strengthen and focus my thoughts on this topic. The writing is mine, and the collaboration and support that Cindy offered made this possible with so more ease and allowed for a richer and fuller piece of work.