The THOUGHTS of Covid - Or What Came Up for Me to Heal While I had Covid
I got Covid last month – August in Seattle is not the time you want to be stuck indoors sick, but there I was, along with my husband who also had it. 🙃
And while I lay on the couch for several days in a row I had a LOT of time with my self, and especially my own thoughts. They are always with me; however, with very little energy to do the typical distractions that I often fill my days with in times of physical health, I was really in the thick of it, the thick of my thoughts, so to speak.
What I noticed is so curious, (at least now with some distance and perspective I find it curious - in the moment I did not!) - is how negative my thoughts got – I truly spiraled down the rabbit hole of nearly every negative/distressing thought or idea that is a frequent visitor for me.
Not only did I feel lonely and isolated, but I also wondered why anyone would even want to be my friend. I just knew that I must have some energy that repelled people. I am probably a waste of time friend, why would anyone want to talk to me, especially now when I’m sick. At the core of this thought: I am unlovable.
Then there was the thought that my existence on this planet really doesn’t matter. This existential angst/crisis was a new thought for me, but boy was it strong! Seriously, WHY am I here?? Does my presence even matter? I dunno - but it sure didn’t feel like it mattered in the moment.
I’m still not 100% sure about the answer to these existential questions; however, I am way more comfortable simply sitting with the questions now, not necessarily even needing answers.
But seriously, the thought that really my existence doesn’t matter is a heavy one to hold. WTF?
It felt dark.
Then there were the thoughts that I was failing my marriage, that I don’t belong anywhere, that I’m a failure in my business, that I don’t really have an impact in the world, and on and on…I’ll spare you the gory details.
I’ve since heard from others that for many people Covid seems to have this impact on our emotional health, that it hits the brain/mental body at a whole new level. (Maybe this is a more evolved virus?!?)
At any rate, it hit me hard mentally and emotionally and I wasn’t prepared for this part of the illness.
In this time of deep Covid funk I could not even remember that “this too shall pass”. A mantra I have used many times for myself in the past.
What I’m pondering now, with a bit of perspective, is this - why is it so much easier for me to remember (and remind myself) that this too shall pass when I’m feeling good and so much harder when I’m feeling low. I used to use this phrase to get thru the low times, but it was not available to me at all during Covid.
Lately I use this mantra to seemingly keep myself real (and small?) when I’m feeling good. What a twist and shift!
Which makes me curious - am I so adverse to feeling pleasure and ‘good’ that I must tamp it down when I do? It seems that my neural pathways of going down the rabbit hole of negative feelings so easily and quickly are well worn treads.
It’s easy for me to push myself to work and do and produce; it is harder for me to prioritize joy, pleasure, and ‘good’ feelings and activities on a regular basis.
There is that reference that comes to mind – negative thoughts stick to our mind like Velcro and positive ones like Teflon. And I understand the biological basis for this. And still…
I’ve been sitting with these questions and thoughts and feelings for a long while now. Working on my capacity to sit with discomfort and not have it stop me in my tracks. The trauma response of freeze is a familiar one in my system, and it no longer serves me well in most cases.
Seriously, the process of growing and expanding my capacity to be with discomfort might be the single most powerful spiritual practice and opportunity for personal growth in my life right now.
And so – these are the questions that I’m sitting with more deeply now:
How can I expand my capacity for JOY and delight and real pleasure every day?
Will this expanded capacity for joy also help me expand my comfort for holding discomfort and darker feelings?
What’s at the root of my poor ability to be with these ‘good’ feelings for an extended time. (I mean besides cultural conditioning and nervous system response - or is that just it?)
How can I show myself kindness and compassionate when I’m feeling low?
Can I remember these are just my thoughts – I DON’T HAVE TO BELIEVE THEM.
With this post-Covid perspective and a new, deeper level of understanding, (and after some good chats with friends who also love to dig deep in this spiritual/personal growth arena) I’ve decided to commit to a couple of new practices:
Cultivating a practice of watching and noticing my thoughts throughout the day/week/month. Rather than sitting in the funk or alternately, forgetting to watch my thoughts when I’m swimming happily along in life, I will make a regular practice of noticing my thoughts and writing them down. I have a new journal just for this!
Noticing and being with PLEASURE daily, throughout the day in fact! This doesn’t have to be big explosions of pleasure (though I always love those 😉). I’m committing to something that feels more sustainable and expansive – noticing little bits and pieces of pleasure that are always all around me. Whether it’s the scented oils I put on my skin, or the taste of spicy chai in my mouth, the feel of my soft scarf on my neck, watching birds outside my window, sitting outside by a tree. All of these can “anchor me into blue” as Kimberly Ann Johnson says (blue = good feelings or pleasure) and help me build capacity to hold more of it.
By doing these two practices regularly, my intention is to make them more habitual and, as one of my teachers says: “practice in the straightaway what you’ll need in the curve”.
In other words, notice my thoughts in the high and everyday-life times, so that I can have the same perspective on them when I’m in the dumps. Make feeling into pleasure a priority daily so I can expand my capacity to hold more and more, even when I’m feeling low.
This is my intention through the rest of the year; I’m excited to see where it takes me. I’d love to hear your reflections on all of this!
How do you find pleasure in everyday life?
Can you anchor into it and really savor the goodness?
Do you notice your thoughts from time to time and are you able to have some perspective on them?
Do you believe your thoughts?
Anything else that came up for you?
Stay healthy!